Just typing this post into Blogger is super weird for me. Over the last year, and some months, since I've created The Caro Diaries, I've always stayed pretty far away from personal posts. Once or twice, I opened up a little bit more through my Wednesday Wisdom, but I've never really written a real post about my life, or what I've experienced, or anything really. So here goes.. I don't even know if I'll be posting this, or if this will be just another unfinished draft sitting in my feed for months and months - there are way too many of these to count.
I moved to New York City a couple weeks ago, and it's been fantastic so far. I'm living in the cutest little area, I have a great apartment, I was lucky to have an amazing roommate (unlike my past roommate experience) and I'm working at an internship I know people would kill for, so why isn't it what I expected?
I have no want for anything - my parents and family have provided me with everything I could possibly need. My job is great, they treat me great and I'm not dreading it every morning. I have a couple days off every week My roommate and I get along great, and hang out almost 24/7. I have an awesome gym a minute away that I love. So what's this feeling that I'm having?
I'm by no means sad, or depressed, or anything about my experience. It's just... different than I expected. Different. Different. Things turn out differently all the time. Life isn't supposed to run smoothly. Things aren't supposed to go as planned 24/7. So why is this one affecting me more than I planned for?
B is spending the summer interning at a med program in Michigan, and because it's a fairly small program (20-30 students in total), he's made a lot of friends. They're all living there full-time, and hanging out, playing cards and partying together. My program is a lot smaller - there are only 4 interns at my company, and we all get along great, but none of them live in the city - they're all commuting in from surrounding areas. So I can't expect my experience to be the same as his.. yet I find myself jealous in a way. It sounds stupid, right?
I'm in the most amazing city in the world. There are roughly 8 million people surrounding me in NYC. Then why isn't it what I thought it would be? I'm living in a huge internship apartment complex that houses thousands of students, so why am I finding it so hard to make friends? And not just making friends, connecting with anyone. NYC is one of the busiest cities in the US, yet why do I feel so alone sometimes?
I know it sounds crazy. I've made friends, gotten to know people, and even hung out with some of my best friends from college and home, yet I still feel somewhat alone. I guess the bigger the city, the more lonely you are, huh? I've gotten out of my comfort zone - started taking boxing classes, which is a lot more fun than I expected, but after two weeks here, I feel like the ship has sailed and I've missed my chance to hop aboard the adventures.
I know I'm being stupid. I know it's just a phase and I need to bite the bullet and start embracing more things, meeting more people, and enjoying it all more. And I promise I will. I just needed to get this off my chest first.
Don't get me wrong, I love the city. I love the freedom. I love being able to hop on a Subway in the morning with my iPod blasting and not a care in the world. I love being able to hop on a Subway and explore. I love being able to leave my apartment to go pick up this, or that. I love the independence. But the loneliness is suffocating sometimes, and I'm working through that.