How are you? Are you having a good year? I hope so, because mine certainly didn't start that way. You see, at 10pm on New Year's Eve, as I snapped one more selfie and threw on my heels on my way out the front door, I decided to check my email. I had two in my inbox: one from J.Crew wishing me a Happy New Year (really sweet of them actually..), and the other from a company I had applied to for a job only a couple of days before. It wasn't a good one. Yes, at 10pm on New Year's Eve, I received my first ever job rejection. What a great way to start the night, don't you think?
I couldn't help feeling shaken up. I mean, here I am, all made up, contour on point and dressed head to toe in sparkles (it was NYE, ya feel me?!), and I just got rejected from a job. Funny how life is huh.. you would know about that. It was a job I actually really wanted. One I kind of maybe thought I could get. But I didn't..
But it's fine. I faked a smile, downed a glass or two of champagne and rang in the New Year happy and surrounded by my closest family and friends. But could you blame me for feeling a little sad deep down inside? I looked around at all the couples kissing and hugging and celebrating the start of a new year, and I just felt so empty. I joined my cousin in the bathroom for touch-ups, and I completely broke down. Yes, at 12:20, I was already sobbing in the bathroom of my New Year's Eve party, mascara running down my face like a re-run of an episode of The Hills (you know the one..). I couldn't control myself. I felt like I didn't have my shit together.
Yep, here we are, not even half hour into 2016, and the year's already won. 2016:1, Caroline: 0. How?! I didn't understand! I mean, I'm a good person. I'm even kind of an over-achiever sometimes when I want to be. I couldn't help but wonder, where the hell was my shit? You hear me? Where were you, shit? Where ARE you?
(Yes, those are bedroom slippers I am wearing. Fully embracing 2016!)
Now I can't be the only one feeling this way, right? I figure, there are millions of college students all over the world, and not all of them have you together.. right? All Christmas break, I'd get asked, "so Caro, you're graduating in May, what are your plans?" and apparently "crying and/or throwing up" isn't an appropriate response. So, shit.. what are my plans?
Just take a scroll through Instagram, shit. People all over the world have you together, all nicely lined up. I mean, there are people getting engaged (vom), people signing contracts for jobs (double vom) and even worse, people actually consistently doing Kayla's Bikini Body Guide.. I mean you need a whole lot of shit together for that one, am I right?
So why am I the only one who seemingly doesn't have you together? Is there an estimate shit gathering time? But you know what, shit.. I'm not sure I really want you together. I mean how boring would that be?
You see, not having you together means I'm allowed to screw up. And more importantly, I'm allowed to learn from these screw ups. I'm allowed to drink too much at the bar, fail that test and wear the same pair of jeans three days in a row. I'm allowed to pretend box wine is real wine and calories from Chipotle don't count. I'm allowed to date the wrong people and secretly wish for the right one. I'm allowed to spend too much time choosing a filter on Instagram and send obnoxious snaps to my best friend. I'm allowed to do all of this because I'm 21 years old.
I don't know when the world expected everyone to have you together and be adults by the time we're actually "adult" age. I blame the rise of Pinterest and perfectly crafted photos and lives, but I love Pinterest too much so maybe not. So I may not be able to cook a five-course meal (or even a one-course meal for that matter), I may not go to the gym every day or drink 8 glasses of water a day, I may not be able to match my eyeliner on both eyes like ever. But I'm trying.
All I know is that maybe my twenties are meant to live and to learn, and just maybe having my shit together isn't a part of the plan.
And I'm way better for it.
See you on the other side.
Your shitshow friend,