January 06, 2016

An Open Letter to All The Shit I Don't Have Together

I don't usually curse in my blog posts, and especially my titles, so I'm sorry I'm starting it off like this, but do you ever feel like you're just a lost cause? That's how 2016 felt for me. I know, I know.. it hasn't even been a week, but 2016 started like no other. And I mean it when I say it.

Dear Shit,

How are you? Are you having a good year? I hope so, because mine certainly didn't start that way. You see, at 10pm on New Year's Eve, as I snapped one more selfie and threw on my heels on my way out the front door, I decided to check my email. I had two in my inbox: one from J.Crew wishing me a Happy New Year (really sweet of them actually..), and the other from a company I had applied to for a job only a couple of days before. It wasn't a good one. Yes, at 10pm on New Year's Eve, I received my first ever job rejection. What a great way to start the night, don't you think?

I couldn't help feeling shaken up. I mean, here I am, all made up, contour on point and dressed head to toe in sparkles (it was NYE, ya feel me?!), and I just got rejected from a job. Funny how life is huh.. you would know about that. It was a job I actually really wanted. One I kind of maybe thought I could get. But I didn't..

But it's fine. I faked a smile, downed a glass or two of champagne and rang in the New Year happy and surrounded by my closest family and friends. But could you blame me for feeling a little sad deep down inside? I looked around at all the couples kissing and hugging and celebrating the start of a new year, and I just felt so empty. I joined my cousin in the bathroom for touch-ups, and I completely broke down. Yes, at 12:20, I was already sobbing in the bathroom of my New Year's Eve party, mascara running down my face like a re-run of an episode of The Hills (you know the one..). I couldn't control myself. I felt like I didn't have my shit together.

Yep, here we are, not even half hour into 2016, and the year's already won. 2016:1, Caroline: 0. How?! I didn't understand! I mean, I'm a good person. I'm even kind of an over-achiever sometimes when I want to be. I couldn't help but wonder, where the hell was my shit? You hear me? Where were you, shit? Where ARE you?

(Yes, those are bedroom slippers I am wearing. Fully embracing 2016!)

Now I can't be the only one feeling this way, right? I figure, there are millions of college students all over the world, and not all of them have you together.. right? All Christmas break, I'd get asked, "so Caro, you're graduating in May, what are your plans?" and apparently "crying and/or throwing up" isn't an appropriate response. So, shit.. what are my plans?

Just take a scroll through Instagram, shit. People all over the world have you together, all nicely lined up. I mean, there are people getting engaged (vom), people signing contracts for jobs (double vom) and even worse, people actually consistently doing Kayla's Bikini Body Guide.. I mean you need a whole lot of shit together for that one, am I right?

So why am I the only one who seemingly doesn't have you together? Is there an estimate shit gathering time? But you know what, shit.. I'm not sure I really want you together. I mean how boring would that be?

You see, not having you together means I'm allowed to screw up. And more importantly, I'm allowed to learn from these screw ups. I'm allowed to drink too much at the bar, fail that test and wear the same pair of jeans three days in a row. I'm allowed to pretend box wine is real wine and calories from Chipotle don't count. I'm allowed to date the wrong people and secretly wish for the right one. I'm allowed to spend too much time choosing a filter on Instagram and send obnoxious snaps to my best friend. I'm allowed to do all of this because I'm 21 years old.

I don't know when the world expected everyone to have you together and be adults by the time we're actually "adult" age. I blame the rise of Pinterest and perfectly crafted photos and lives, but I love Pinterest too much so maybe not. So I may not be able to cook a five-course meal (or even a one-course meal for that matter), I may not go to the gym every day or drink 8 glasses of water a day, I may not be able to match my eyeliner on both eyes like ever. But I'm trying.

All I know is that maybe my twenties are meant to live and to learn, and just maybe having my shit together isn't a part of the plan.

And I'm way better for it.

See you on the other side.

Your shitshow friend,

(Photo courtesy Jenn Geitzen and Write On! Design)

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  1. Be 21! Live out your young life. By doing that, that doesn't always mean you are going to have everything together. I love this post so much! I couldn't stop laughing!

    Mikayla | A Seersucker State of Mind.

  2. This post made me smile too and I can absolutely relate!! Senior year of college is such a competitive time- it's like "Do I put my focus and time into job searching? Grades? Relationships? ALL OF THE ABOVE? What about sleep? Having a life?!" Hahaha!! But I know that with a little perseverance and determination I will get through this phase of life, and you my friend will too! <3

    xoxo A

  3. I loved this post, C!
    I am now 24 and I still don't feel like I have my stuff together. Adulting is still a foreign language to me and that's okay.
    I felt the same way you did going into my final semester of undergrad and felt like my friends all knew what they were going to do after college but I didn't.
    Everyone moves at different paces in life so you have to keep that in mind :)

    Loved this!

    xoxo, Jenny

  4. The fact that you even applied for a job this early is a feat in itself!! I was unemployed (well, under-employed) for a few months after graduation before landing my first big girl job and it was COMPLETELY ok. And honestly, "funemployment" was a blast looking back. Now I'm working a 9-5 for the rest of my life and I'm not able to sleep in on a Tuesday or take a spontaneous trip. Live it up the last semester, work hard but don't stress too much about post-grad -- it will all be ok!!

    xo, Alicia | Alicia Tenise

  5. Honestly this post is so relatable! I was (and kinda still am) going through all of this! I'm engaged (trust me it makes this time period worse, mostly because its another thing to worry about) and am moving cross country with no job. I seriously stressed and stressed but realized that hell, it's going to work out. So I drank way too much my last semester, got a little lazy and still graduated with a job that I have until May. Take it form someone who just went through the brunt of it, it works out. So have a couple more drinks, stay out too late and enjoy it!

  6. You are NOT a shitshow Raroline!! You are an intelligent, classy, and wonderful girl! Rejections are all part of life. You have worked so hard and your hard work will not go unnoticed! Keep doing the best you can and never stop trying :) you have a bright future ahead of you!


    Rarica xoxo

  7. I have never needed a post like this more than right now! I have definitely been going through a bit of this lately. I'm about to turn 21, and I'm have been going through crazy breakdowns about whether or not I chose the right major and if I will get the job I want after college! And absolutely loved the part where you talked about wearing the same pair of jeans three days in a row and the calories not counting at Chipotle, because you are 21. I feel you! Thank you so much for sharing this! I needed to hear about other people going through this too. I wish the best for you in 2016!

  8. Girl, you have SO much time to figure out your life and have your shit together... Why rush it when you don't have to?! Your 20's are all about living your life and learning! Concentrate on having fun, figuring out what you want to do (because you don't want to spend the rest of your life hating your degree or profession), traveling and finding the right person for you! You don't need to be engaged, have the perfect job, or anything else. Do everything for yourself, not others... And not for Instagram or anything else like that! You are doing just fine!

  9. This is sooo relatable! I felt like this my senior year of college (just last year) and everyone kept telling me that "nobody really has their shit together, everyone is just faking it," and I was like hellooo? Not helpful! But the fact that you're so concerned means you definitely will get it together soon–I graduated in May of 2015 and I'm still getting rejected from jobs, so I say you're already pretty on top of it. Don't lose hope!

    Alexandra Adams | X-Height-Ment

  10. I loved reading this! I can really relate to it all. :)

  11. First of all, I wouldn't want to work somewhere that sends rejection emails on New Year's Eve. That's just not a considerate thing to do. Second, it will all work out. You will find the job and things will fall into place. And I firmly believe that none of us fully have our shit together. Life is a work in progress.

  12. oh my gosh , I turn 19 in 2 weeks and I freak out everyday how I don't have my shit together... but I'm only 18 and you're only 21... we have the rest of our lives to get our shit together haha,but I feel you girl.

  13. I love this post. Being a 21 year old, and a senior, everyone expects us to have our life planned out. Now I have a general idea of what I want, but being 10, 8, even 6 months away from graduation I don't want nor have a job! Nothing drives me crazier than when people ask. Hang in there girl!

  14. I LOVE this post. I'm over 21 and have a job, but can still totally relate. I feel like I will never have all of my shit together...maybe someday! Keep your chin up, babe..you are fabulous.

    xo Ashley

  15. I definitely feel your thoughts on this post! I definitely have to remember that social media is super crafted, and everyone has problems (even if they don't show them.) I definitely don't have my stuff together, but I know that that's okay!

  16. This is perfection! I am closing in on 25 and am constantly confused as why I a dont have it together but am a supposed...adult?

    Sugar & Something

  17. I just love this. Thank you for being so honest. I wouldn't worry, nobody has it all sorted out. We are all just faking it till we make it!

  18. I definitely didn't have all my shit together when I was in college, and people might look like they have their shit together on Insta, but everyone shows you what they want you to see. :)


  19. This is such a great post! I am double your age and I wish I would've realize that it's ok not to be perfect. Thanks for sharing and inspiring. :)


  20. Enjoy this season of your life! One day, you will have real world responsibilities, and you will look back on the times you're having right now and be so envious! I'm 24, and I still don't really know what I'm doing half of the time.

    XO, SS || Seersucker Sass

  21. You are not the only one, I can promise you that. This was God's way of telling you that the job wasn't meant for you. You are amazing and the right things will come. What buttholes for doing that on NYE. Goes to show how great they are.....

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